© 2015 Don Arday |
In celebration of more than 110,000 pageviews, The
Informed Illustrator presents the Addendum to letter ‘C’ of The
Illustrator’s Reprehensible Dictionary. Actually, the addendum addresses several
important word definitions that were omitted from the dictionary due to impatience on the part of the author to publish the third letter of the illustrator's alphabet.
Cadmium
Noun
1. a radioactive substance in artist paints that makes
colors and artists glow;
2. the most expensive kind of color that can be purchased by
an artist;
3. the abbreviated form of om mani padme hum.
Illustrator A: “Cadmium
colors are so bright, when I use them I have to paint with sunglasses on.”
Illustrator B: “Isn’t that a bit hard to
do while you are wearing a hasmat suit?”
Artist: “I just bought the last tube of cadmium red on
earth.” Rep: “Great, I’ll bet you have something special in mind for it.”
Artist: “Yep, I’m going to use it to kill the aphids on my roses.”
Usage: “I really miss the
good old days when an artist could paint with cadmium colors; use fixatives,
varnishes and lacquers; add driers and retardants; and wash up with mineral
spirits, thinner, and turpentine.”
Camera
Noun
1. why there are so many graphic designers who have become
illustrators (see computer below);
2. a tool illustrators should be familiar with to help them gather
reference, compose scenes, and take selfies;
3. a device synonymous with mobile phones;
Usage: “The camera
never lies, but illustrators do…all the time. That’s what makes them so useful.”
Usage: “When you don’t
have the time to create a suitable work of art, use a camera.”
Carbon Dust
Noun
1. all that is left after an illustration has been printed
in black and white;
2. a substance that makes a mess on the surface of a
scanner;
3. a substitute for charcoal dust, which is made out of
carbon;
Artist: “Carbon dust is
a most appropriate media. The piece I used to render that hunk of cheese came
from the moon.” Patron: “You are a
master of conceptual art!” Artist: “Next
I intend to render a bottle of milk with casein.” Patron: “Brilliant.”
Artist: “And after that, I’m going to
paint a glass of water with watercolor.” Patron: “How original.”
Usage: “I had to
replace my carpet when a carbon dust drawing I had done fell face down on
it.”
Cattle Marker
Noun
1. a China marker (see China Marker below) made exclusively
for Texans;
2. a big, cheap, messy way to create quite a lasting
impression;
3. a media, as yet undiscovered, by Soho artists;
3. an indelible, greasy crayon not recommended for use by
most rodeo clowns.
Usage: “Use a white
cattle marker for a Black Angus, a black one for a Blanco Orejinegro, a green
one for a Belmont Red, and a purple one for a Hereford.”
Chalk
Noun
1. a chalky substance;
2. the one art supply that can be purchased at Walmart and
Target;
3. an unwieldy drawing material that is a first choice media
of supermarket and restaurant artists;
4. the same as pastels, but available in fatter sticks.
Usage: “I prefer chalk
over charcoal because it comes in white.”
Usage: “One piece of
chalk lasts a long time. The drawing it makes doesn’t last any time at all.”
China Marker
Noun
1. a grease pencil that is not made in China, nor is it a
marker;
2. a drawing media that can draw on any solid substance
known to man;
3. the preferred writing implement of antique dealers;
4. an emaciated, anorexic cattle marker (see Cattle Marker
above).
Usage: “The China marker is the blackest substance known to
man. That’s why the US Government uses them to censor presidential documents.”
Comic
Noun
1. an illustrated series of events presented in a wacky
sequence;
2. a place where sounds like umpf, zing, boff, and bam are
written out as words;
3. a very low budget animation;
4. a person who stands up and acts illustrated;
Artist: “I have a new
idea for a comic book.” Publisher: “What
is it?” Artist: “It’s the story of a
rich widow with four kids who marries a has-been athlete. Between them they
have two more kids, even though he already has two kids of his own, but his
kids won’t be seen in the comic. Even though they are in it per se.
Publisher: “Why even mention them if his
two kids won’t be in the comic?” Artist: “They are important because they will be very strategically omitted in
certain portions of the storyline.” Publisher: “So you will make mention of them, or perhaps they will be drawn as
shadows?” Artist: “Not a chance.” Publisher:
“Then the comic is a mystery story.”
Artist: “No, it’s a reality show.”
Usage: “I tell you
this comic is animated. You just have to move your eyes quicker to see
it.”
Computer
Noun
1. something digital artists try not to think about;
2. why there are so many graphic designers who have become
illustrators (see camera above);
3. a machine used to remember things when we can’t;
4. something that allows one to create an illustration and
undo it;
5. a appliance that helps us get more things done, although
all of those things pertain to operating a computer;
6. a thing you have to keep your eyes on at all times;
7. a device we talk to more than our cell phone or
significant other;
8. something that is only as useful and talented as you are;
9. a contraption that doesn’t always take orders or
understand English;
10. an apparatus with a shorter lifespan than that of a gerbil;
11. a thing we use everyday without having the vaguest idea
of how it works.
Programmer: “I was
just hired to develop a set of interactive brushes that will create things for
artists.” Illustrator: “I’m not sure
I’d be interested in them. How is that even possible?” Programmer: “Well, first an artist fills out a personality
profile of themself, completes a psychological questionnaire, and answers some
questions on their familiarity with a computer. Then that get’s combined with some
historical information and a sampling of their work.” Illustrator: “Okay, then what?” Programmer: “Then, if everything checks out, the artist
will never have to create anything again, Disney hires then.”
Usage: “The computer
ate my homework.”
Crayon
Noun
1. a non-toxic art material that’s only slightly non-toxic,
unless it’s made out of bee’s wax, in which case, it’s not only non-toxic, but
sweet tasting like candy;
2. an art media with thousands of uses besides drawing, such
as removing grease, lubricating zippers, improving the effectiveness of dental
floss, removing hair on legs, exfoliating skin, preserving cheese, and sealing
cork on wine bottles, to name a few.
Usage: “To remove the
squeak in a door, just rub crayon on the hinges.”
Usage: “Crayon is an
unacceptable media for professional illustration. The deadlines are too hot.”
Critique
Noun
1. an event where students sit in silence and stare at each
others work;
2. an evaluation where an artist gets told everything he or
she already knows is wrong with their work;
3. an examination few actually pass;
4. a state where reality is temporarily suspended;
5. the art of criticism of art;
Verb
6 actions inducing a form of anxiety that leads to post
traumatic stress disorder in artists;
7. a manner of speech where one’s foot is in one’s mouth.
Professor: “This is
your opportunity to say something about your work.” Student: “Boy, I didn’t see that coming.”
Professor: “So, what can you tell us
about this piece.” Student: “Uh…n.o.t.h.i.n.g.”
Professor: “Well that’s not much to go
on. Wasn’t there a reason you produced the work?” Student: “I don’ know, I just did it.” Professor:
“You certainly did.” Professor: “Well, think about it this way. If your
mother asked you about the work, what would you tell her?” Student: “Even less.”
Usage: “It didn’t
happen. Jim, Carl, Bert, and Alice are ill; Reed, Dave, and Beth missed their
bus; Jill, Steve, and Ron overslept; Arnold is stranded at an airport; and Kim,
Chrissie, Matt, and Javier thought the critique was next week.”
Cropping
Verb
1. a particularly vicious form of criticism;
2. a technique for leaving unwanted, disturbing, ugly, useless,
or even shameless things out of a picture;
3. a method of salvaging a predominantly bad composition;
4. an attempt to control an out of control situation.
Noun
5. a form of censorship.
Director: “I don’t
want the heroine, or any of the other characters visible in this scene, and
cropping to get rid of them is not an option.” Artist: “So by the fact that they aren’t to be ‘visible’ in the scene, does
that make them ‘invisible’ like Finblat the grey ‘invisible’ dwarf?”
Director: “You know if this questioning
keeps up, I’m going to have to find another artist with more experience than
you have with not rendering things.” Artist: “No need to do that, I have an assistant who can do the job, and you’ll
love this…she’s invisible.”
Usage: “A good
cropping of a barnyard scene can eliminate a horse’s ass.” Attrib. Confucius
Cyan
Noun
1. a color that is not quite blue and not quite green, but
looks as though it could be a bit more blue than it might be green, or sort of
a teal, maybe somewhat of an aqua, perhaps leaning toward turquoise, and a bit
less of an azure;
2. the coolest member of the 4 process colors;
3. the most prominent color in Kate Spade’s new spring
collection;
4. a color that is available as printer’s ink or house
paint, but not as acrylic or oil paint.
Usage: “The sky may
appear as any of a countless shades of blue or reds, violets, and yellows, but
never, ever as cyan. This is God’s will.”
Usage: “If that face
had any more of a cyan cast, it would belong to a corpse.”